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Let's go over the nonverbal first. Using Subtext Nonverbally Here's how to state your intent nonverbally in Phase 1: 1. Stand a little closer than you would with anyone else. But JUST a little. Remember your proper eye contact and smirking! If you don't do this, she won't get to experience you fully, and a vital part of your flirting will be absent. Show her you can touch her, you know where to touch her, and most importantly, you're not afraid to do so!
Have good posture. Using Subtext Verbally Whenever you show her the light, playful side of your personality that doesn't take the world too seriously, you're correctly showing subtle verbal intent and creating attraction. Keep that in mind as the overarching principle of this section, and know the techniques and examples we give are merely ways of expressing that principle. Use them as templates to spark ideas that would work for you and your personality.
Remember, this stuff works best when you apply the rules and principles to YOUR personality. Your ultimate goal is to attract the women you desire while being authentically YOU. Here are some ways to state your intent verbally in Phase 1, starting with the first thing you say to her.
Find what works best for you! Tease, challenge and banter! What bantering is not is being coarse, rude or insulting. We wonder if you really like us or if you're just having fun joking. Say things to entertain yourself. Not for her or anyone else. PLUS I also have an article on banter that will further explain how to banter correctly. What a shame! Obviously these examples are just for guidance. You have to choose what works best for you.
But DO joke with her about hitting on you in your own style. Captivate her with your wit. Reframe a situation based on your unique point of view and we girls LOVE to see how your mind works. Do you keep weapons in there? Check out my exercise for developing wit at the end of this chapter. Self-amuse through playful self-love. So be SURE to show her you're joking with a smirk, eye contact, and playful vocal intonation!
Can you please stop being so distracted by how handsome I am and concentrate on my words? It shows you have social awareness, and allows you to have fun by making up a back-story about their relationship. They look so engaged, with their feet pointing toward each other� something serious is afoot. She's just being polite. What are the chances she's either in med school or law school? When you go out this week, try a variety of approaches to display your intent.
Figure out what works best for you! It might take a little bit of trial and error. But the most important thing is that you DO it. They can confuse it for cockiness�, which is a HUGE turn-off! So know the difference. Cockiness is arrogance.
When you brag, show off, appear try-hard� these are things that communicate cockiness. That's how you display confidence by being comfortable with whoever you are. Plus a little bit of healthy curiosity about who this woman is, will help you evaluate and select the women that are good for you.
Showing that you to have a stake in the decision process will also communicate confidence. Time to balance that intent and initial flirting with Passive Forces. So keep teasing and displaying your intent, but intertwine serious moments too�to give her a chance to get to know you. How do you do this? Make An Emotional Connection! The following methods for emotional connection make YOU the obvious choice for her to spend time with Share who you are�but keep part of your life a mystery.
But sharing some info about your life helps her relate to you and imagine herself with you. Keep her wondering about you. Change the subject. Touch her according to Phase 1 rules. Show your vulnerability without shame! This always comes across as sexy confidence!
Us girls LOVE it when you do this. Plus, we find it charming :. For example: How you think about XYZ. Your divorce. Your kids. In fact--don't linger here too long. You'll end up a Pal. So you should probably high tail it on to Goal C. Now�this is where MOST guys drop the ball. This requires letting her attraction grow for you on its own�independent of what YOU do or say. Now�the BEST time to do this during Phase 1 is when the conversation is at its peak, after you've accomplished the first two Goals.
At a high point, take away the good feelings of talking to you and interacting with you. When you do this, she feels the absence of your energy, your attention, and the fun qualities about you she was just experiencing.
Preoccupy yourself with a friend, go to the bathroom, look around the room, or anything else. When you see her working to win you back, reward her investment: STOP doing the takeaway and give her your attention and good emotions again.
And that doesn't say sexy things about your life. It says you don't have much going on. Why would she want to be a part of that? You should use it in all 3 Phases to create desire for you, and there will be different ways to use it in each phase. Using The Boomerang Technique Nonverbally 1. Boomerang with touch.
Boomerang with your whole body. Lean in closely and make lots of eye contact. THEN switch to angling your body away from her for a bit, focusing on something else. Or she may even hunt YOU down instead! Keeping that mystery and intrigue lies in picking your moments to hold back with the information you provide. Share a little, be sincere for a minute, and then switch it up with a joke. So reward her by asking her about herself, her life, taking interest, etc.
In conjunction with The Boomerang, there's one more short technique you should use to create desire: 45 The Surprise Technique The element of surprise is essential for you to keep it exciting�and keep HER excited. JUST for a moment though. The sudden escalation in touch will excite her. Push the envelope just enough to get her attention�but not enough to scare her off. Going from an arm touch to a little grab around the waist is fun and exciting.
To use the surprise technique verbally, simply say something sexual for a brief second, then return to completely nonsexual conversation. Now grab her attention by spicing it up. She needs more from you to be comfortable with that level of flirting. Navigate your flirting to find out what she needs more of i. Have a fun night, stay out of trouble! Remember those and actively look for them.
Women like to start painting a picture of who you are right away. Remember to still keep part of your life a secret, but also give her open answers. This is different from joking! How can you tell the difference?
By all means flirt back and see where it goes�you just need to be aware some girls may only be doing it for fun. Doing contradictory things can be an art form for us.
But this should help you narrow down the guesswork. When she gives you a mixed message, it means 1 of only 3 possible things: 1. Make your advances, testing out Phase 2 on her and see how she responds. Onto the next one! Now--when it's tough to tell, there will be a few times when it boils down to a guessing game. But that's not always the case.
This indicates she wants to see you again. To help you differentiate even further with this, take a look at the Women Tell All interview video in the bonus section and watch women show you their signs for being flirty, friendly or just polite. He approached me at a music festival. It made me feel I was in good hands; he was never at a loss for what to say, or how to be witty, or to find excuses to tease me.
He asked questions about me too, without turning it into an interview session. He even found small ways to touch me, when he complimented my bracelets he lightly held my wrist. It sent pulses of tension through my body. It was sexy! In just a few minutes he managed to create a spark between us, form an emotional bond, and establish a rapport of sexy playfulness. It made me crave his attention even more! HE created it. This is the kind of Phase 1 flirting that makes women want to zoom into Phase 2 as quickly as possible.
So ask away! So remember that�and keep it in mind as your ideal end-goal. Practice really does make perfect. I was in Ikea checking out a walk in closet, and so was a guy standing near me. We both saw there was a little girl playing in the closet. He surprised me with his astute observation and it led to a fun and flirty exchange. Pick out 3 situations a day that are totally mundane, like getting coffee. Notice a stranger near you who will be the mark for your witty comment.
Take that mundane scenario and observe what you imagine would spice it up and be pretty entertaining if it actually happened. Everyone is tired and bored and wants their coffee. What I first imagine that entertains MY brain is the thought of the exact opposite scenario taking place: to me, the opposite of a boring Starbucks line is a flash-mob. And remember to have fun with it! Pick which branch you want to swing to next and make a smooth, seamless jump.
This will only put you in your head more. If you were talking about Hawaii, and your first thought is that you learned how to juggle using coconuts, go ahead and say that! The Tarzan Tactic also works for approaching women and starting conversations. Like OSA, you start by making observations about her or your surroundings. Pick one and go with it. Figure out a way to open with that. If your impulse is to try a new drink, walk right up to her and ask her to pick out what drink you should order next.
Do this as early as possible. Never apologize for it. Share a little and be sincere for a minute, then switch it up with a joke or playful statement. Time to ramp up the sexual communication with her!
Sexual subtext and sexual directness; 2. Banter, teasing, and challenging; 3. Physical contact. Not on full blast just yet. Admit or confess you find her sexy. Tell her what you find sexy about her. Talk about a sexual subject. When you tell her you find her sexy�or what you find sexy about her�only do it ONCE. After that, keep the focus on the topic of sex, and not her.
Another way to turn her on in this phase is by keeping your words non-sexual, but communicating sexual subtext with HOW you say them. This is much like the banter and joking from Phase 1, only more direct. Make sure and use them with the same joking voice tone and smirking you used in Phase 1.
To become a master of BTC and get girls hooked on you, watch the interview clips below. It will help you develop this skill Escalating Your Touch You should also make your touch more sexual in Phase 2.
To do this, skirt her more intimate areas with your hands, like her hips, side of her butt, chest and legs. Skirt, A. A lightly graze, any of these areas and pick your moments to linger a little. Then do a triangle with your eyes: Look at her left eye, right eye, down to lips and back up to both eyes. Finally, smirk one more time. This is a magic move that sends women into a tizzy excitement.
I know you want me too. If she agrees, and especially if she seems excited about it, it's an excellent sign she's attracted, curious, and enticed by you. If she hesitates or agrees politely, it means she's still on the fence about you, but she's willing to give it a shot--which means it's still on. Keep teasing her, boomeranging between escalating touching and not touching her, and increasingly sexual talk back to non-sexual talk.
You do this by going deeper into sharing, learning about her, and finding common interests. This allows the flirting to escalate on a deep, REAL level and binds you to her emotionally. If you want her to be comfortable with your physical advancements in the long run, you need to do this.
I was such a geek in middle school, I had a rock collection and knew all their scientific names. Wait, you like that band? I LOVE that band! They were way better in the 90s though. God, you're so sexy. I can't keep my hands off you! See how I switched it up on the last one with the element of surprise? You should do that with her, too. To do this, be on the lookout for a conversational thread that lets you bring it up again.
You should take notes. Lean away and focus on something else until she invests in you. When that happens, reward her investment again with your touching. Touch her more, get closer to her intimate areas, stroke more, and hold your touch for longer periods of time. Touch with total confidence. Hit Goals 1 and 2 more before you escalate touch again. Remember to bounce back to Phase 1 sometimes as well like we talked about in Chapter 2. Sprinkle in neutral topics like music or the bar.
We direct our attention immediately to unpredictable things that stimulate us by surprise. You want to take her on an exciting adventure�it's what she reads about in romance novels and wishes would happen to her in real life.
You can be the guy who gives her that experience�and the Boomerang and Surprise techniques are the keys to doing this! She lingers her physical contact with you. She stares into your eyes. She makes an effort or hints at getting you alone. Look into her eyes for slightly longer periods of time than you have been, get her alone, and touch her more. Though some girls are more direct than others, notice how many of them say they tend toward indirectness. Most women rely on this to protect them from rejection or feeling vulnerable, and to keep the mystery of the attraction going.
Bouncing Between Phases 1 And 2 One last note to keep in mind throughout Phase 2: remember to periodically bounce back using techniques from Phase 1 as part of your Boomeranging. It's especially effective when you do this at a high point.
He kept the sexual undertone alive throughout the date, with occasional lingering eye contact, leaning into me, and finding moments to whisper in my ear or tease me.
I was excited, flattered, and intrigued by it. This gave me the opportunity to admit my attraction to him as well. He led me to be alone with him at the perfect time, switching locations from the restaurant to a walk on the beach. When we left the restaurant, he put his hand on the small of my back and led me out the door. When we were walking around, he pulled out the Boomerang technique. Then he would surprise me with a sexy comment, or grab me around the waist.
Back and forth, back and forth, until I was coming to him, finding ways to touch him and get him to flirt more with me. He gave me everything I was craving from Phase 2, and electrified me with excitement about what would happen next! I was talking to him at a party about a mundane subject: the weather. It was raining and I mentioned I liked the rain.
On the surface, this comment is totally non-sexual and can be taken as such� but he made it sexy in his delivery, the fact that he was sharing something about himself that also happens to sound pretty sexy and fun.
He laid the groundwork and let me make the 67 connections. Women get a lot of satisfaction out of making this kind of discovery. Over the next week, try this with at least 3 different women you build up a good rapport with. Come up with similar statements, comments and questions as my guy did.
They must be neutral subjects, but charged with sexual undertones. You have good hands for cooking. Soft yet I can tell you know how to get rough. I want you to really practice picking the right moment to slip these statements in. Approach 5 women with these over the next week and take note of their responses. Remember to use what you know about OSA, employing your wit, and your sense of playfulness to come up with openers that feel like they belong more in the middle of a conversation.
Try to bypass all the polite introductions and jump right in with a bold observation, statement or question that gets her immediately paying attention to you. Those things are high as hell!
Look at her left eye, right eye, down to her lips, and back up to both eyes. She needs to feel like you can take control of the situation. To surprise her, push the envelope a little into Phase 3. Igniting her primal brain: Any time the conversation gets more logical you can use the Boomerang or Surprise techniques to ignite her primal brain. Directly display your attraction, then back off and keep her guessing.
Good job, dude! Get excited, but stay cool. Less small talk, more action! Can you feel the magnetic pull between you? Kissing is a plus too. TELL her you want to be alone. What that means is YOU make the decision when and where to go.
Always look for opportunities to lead her. You want to keep her on that exciting ride with you. Remember�she wants to feel your absolute certainty. You might. You want to position yourself in her mind as the perfect candidate. Men and women have completely different thought processes when Phase 3 comes around.
While men think in the now, women think in the future. I want to sleep with her. What will happen if I sleep with him? Unless you're certain she wants to pounce on you right then and there. But if you can't tell, don't take any chances! She needs to feel calm, relaxed, and safe. Take this part slow. Offer her a drink. Tell her to take a seat for a second while you wash your hands, and leave her alone.
Show some restraint. Keep moving two steps forward, one step back. Earning her trust and easing her reservations involves knowing everything she needs to think and feel�the 6 points we outlined in Chapter 2. Keep using the Boomerang and Surprise Techniques. You've kissed her, you've touched her in intimate places, and she's enjoyed it.
Just back off for a while and balance those advances with Passive Forces like connection, then try again in a little. Both are huge turn ons for us, and will counter intuitively speed up the process a LOT.
Make BOLD moves! Make strong choices in one direction. She may not respond, but if she does, the response will be more powerful than ever. Guys are too cautious, nice, pleasant, fun� and they never take risks like approaching or bringing up sexual topics. Take those risks. Just watch the clips below to learn more about how highly effective this is. Relieving her anxieties about these subjects allows her to open up and let her desires flow more freely.
Callback the subjects you connected with her on earlier to show her why you like her, and tell her you find her sexy because of it. Up until this point, you could call me a huge prude. When I got back to his room after flirting for a bit, we started making out. Then he reached around to take off my bra and I immediately tensed up and pulled back.
He stopped. Had he ignored my tension, I would have ended things and found an excuse to go home. But he showed that he could tell something was wrong and reassured me that I had a choice in whether or not we continued. He could take it or leave it. All reassuring things that helped me feel safe and relaxed. Now the REAL fun begins.
So they try to drive it home even harder and get more direct. Sorry bro. This is when you want to take a step back and bounce to Phase 1 or 2� or get out of it completely if you see fit. This is how you build desire and recalibrate when you need to. Wash, rinse, and repeat. It was unforgettable! He picked up on all the cues I sent out that I was ready for 3. The particular cutie that caught my eye I approached by grabbing her by her arm and telling her to follow me.
She came along willingly. Me: Why were you avoiding me all night? Her: I was not; you were busy running around with other girls.
Me: Wait, are you single? Her: Yes, of course Me: You had better be, otherwise I would have to kick you off the boat! Me: Do you speak English? Her: Yes. Me: Choose one then�good or nice? Her: Nice I guess. Do you know the difference? Her: You tell me. Me: Good Girl goes out, comes home and sleeps; Nice Girl goes out, sleeps and comes home. Her: No, go ahead. She turns out to be Singaporean and British.
Me: I bet you suck at Thumb-Wrestling! Me: I do not play without a wager. Her: What is the wager? Me: Loser buys dinner. Her: Okay. Me: No Cheating! Best out of three, go! Last round, I start to tickle her and wrestle with her. It is good fun with some tension. I lose on purpose because I tickled her. Friday: Cool off. She replies okay and gives me her email address. Sunday Morning: Call and leave a message. She calls back and we have a chat about setting a date, but we both have commitments.
She mentions briefly to be in contact next weekend if we can do something together. She giggles and says she has plans with some friends to watch Sex and the City. Me: So which character best describe you? Me: I think you are a Samantha in Charlotte disguise. Her: No, no one likes to be her. Me: Are you judging her?
You are even more evil. Her: No. Me: I must go, got training, will call and catch up. I text her later telling her I had to cut her short because I was dealing with London traffic. Will call at night to catch up and have some stimulating conversations. End with Charlotte and a wink. I called her at pm, went to her voice mail. I say, "Ah, playing hard to get? Holler back! It is also important that these three men should never meet! How are you doing? Any opinion as to how I can pick my game up again?
My response to the email: What I noticed from your email is that you need to stop playing games. Games like this are fun in the moment. It means games and sex with no phone call the next day. You had her in your first interaction, and to be honest, if you had initiated taking it to the next level bedroom, kiss, whatever , most likely she would have played ball.
However, you stretched it out with her and therefore the endless banter became tiresome and dull. One thing I want to point out to you was the Sex and the City joke. Second, no woman wants to be referred to as a Samantha by a man who is trying to sleep with her.
That little statement will have her feeling that there is only one thing on your mind. Women want to be in control of their own sexuality and know they are respected even if they are sexually adventurous and open. Do not pigeon-hole women by telling them who they are; let them tell you who they are. You will get much more out of a woman that way. Always give a woman something she can latch onto. Something she can hold onto that makes her feel that there is more to this than games, banter, and playfulness.
Overall, I want you to recognize that balance is important. Banter and flirting is fun and exciting, and most women, especially the great ones, will engage in it.
However, you must balance the banter with substance or you will never get what you want from a woman. The essential piece to any interaction with a woman is connection.
Connection is needed in every situation with a woman. One-night stands, dating, long-term relationships, marriage, and every other possible situation require connection. Without connection, you will never truly have a woman. Even though banter built on pick-up lines and routines can be fun, you had better have something else to offer or else you will go home alone. Unless he paid for it, but I guarantee whomever he paid was not happy about it.
Every day I get hundreds of emails from great men. Every day I also receive emails from men who are frustrated, which can turn into anger and then bitterness. It is so hard for me to get through to them, but trust me I try. Overall, I realize that many men are frustrated due to their negative experiences with women.
I get that. I know many women who are in exactly the same place. Because of their experiences, they put up walls and make it difficult for any man to get close to them. I would tell the same things to these women that I am going to say to you: as long as you keep these walls up and maintain the belief that all members of the opposite sex are evil, you will never get what you want.
Those walls make it impossible to make a real connection with anyone else! I want to share a great email I received from a guy who, with my help, finally let go of his frustrations and suddenly saw results with women.
I stupidly left a rant of all my anger and frustrations towards women. You responded back to me with a really warm but firm response. This made me take a hard look back at my life and I realized women were not at fault. I was for pushing them away when they tried to get close.
After this introspection, I began to change my life by working out three nights a week with my cousin and joining the local art association photography group. There are some real pros there and they are impressed with my work. I need to clear two final hurdles. Excise my limiting belief women do not want to be with me and being able to ask these women out. I have missed a few opportunities last year due to this one. I am working on these.
I accept responsibility for my lack of a girlfriend and am working towards this goal. I apologize for the length of this missive but wanted you to know you helped. Thank you. Loved this email! Believe it or not, emotional blocks or false beliefs about women can actually hurt your chances with women.
My husband used to have a huge mental block, not towards dating, but marriage. He used to think that marriage was the first step to divorce. Awesome for his romantic interests, right? In his mind, if he and I were to get married, then it would ruin our relationship and we would divorce. However, his ultimate goal was to have a family.
He was torn. He had to work hard to change the story he had been telling himself from "Marriage equals divorce" to "Marriage is about commitment and love. Marni and I will work hard to keep our marriage strong. I want a family and we can make this work. I call this "re-framing" and it has been popping up a lot lately with the guys that I work with.
Many have horrible stories that they tell themselves every day. I gave each of these men an assignment to reframe what they say to themselves aloud for a whole week. It will not be as bad as I have imagined. Remember that adorable, pouncy tiger? It was not until recently that I realized Tigger was a horrible influence on the youth of today.
He preached about pouncing and how it was fun, fun, fun, fun, fun! Pouncing is not and should not be fun because it can get you into trouble! In my business as a Wing Girl, I encounter men who impulsively respond to their emotions and pounce on women. Pouncing usually occurs when a man meets a woman he is attracted to and wants her to feel the same.
He wants to be perceived as the perfect man. He calls constantly, shares feelings too quickly, is overly available, and compliments for no reason. You get the picture. Unbeknownst to men, these actions scream out that they are needy, dependent, and desperate.
All attributes that women are very turned off by. Why is it that this behavior is unattractive? One would think that attention and the showering of emotions would be flattering to a woman.
Not so. This type of behavior turns them off faster than you can say ketchup! Why is this behavior so repulsive to women? It is repulsive because it is not manly. It is weak behavior from a male who does not understand his own value. He sacrifices his self-worth for the attention of an attractive stranger. As a woman, I find it strange when a man who does not know me is willing to drop everything in his life to please me.
He knows nothing about me. Why is he so eager? I automatically assume there is something wrong with him. I then proceed to dodge his calls, make dates through text message that I will eventually cancel at the last minute and try hard to avoid seeing him ever again.
Many of my girlfriends who find themselves in similar situations respond exactly the same way. It is too much, too fast. Many of the men who I work with used to act this way towards women. They would pounce and then be completely crushed when a woman did not respond favorably to their romantic behavior. I would enlighten these men by telling them what their behavior was saying to women and get them to admit to why they were acting that way.
Most of the men admitted that this type of behavior stemmed from insecurity, discomfort, and confusion. Once we get those emotions in check and work on building self-respect and confidence, we usually find that the pouncing stops and they start to see better results with women. My clients learn that the more they value themselves, the more women feel the same way about them. There is no need to pounce. Instead, they take their time and evaluate whether or not they want to invest further in a woman.
They finally understand that they are involved in the choice to connect. So single men of the world, listen up. Be strong, respect yourself, and leave the pouncing to Tigger! Email: I always feel insecure if I meet a girl who has accomplished more than I have or has a better job. So, am I right or not? Jordan My response: Jordan, Well that insecurity, my friend, is what is going to turn off a woman--not how much you have. Just because a woman is more successful than you are or has more than you does not mean that you are less of a man.
What matters is when you let it affect you and make you self-conscious about it. Women are not bothered until you voice that you are bothered by your money, social status, or possessions. If you are a negative, freeloading bum who complains about where he is in life but does not change the situation, then women will not find you attractive, at least not in the long term. However, if you are positive about who you are, your job and what you have, then she will be too.
As long as you always remain true to who you are and strive for greatness, she will be happy. If not, then you have to evaluate the person you are with.
Women want to know that they have a partner who is proactive about making a great life with her. That does not mean yachts and partying at clubs. It means character, support, and love. For those who you feel are more accomplished remember that you also have areas that you are accomplished in that she may not be. Never feel below another person. Learn to respect and acknowledge what you and others have achieved. Email: I am a passive, easygoing person.
Girls never really showed much interest in me. Then, just as an experiment, I tried acting like an asshole and many girls liked me more. There was more connection. Why do girls like it when I act like an asshole?
My response: The thing is that you are actually a nice guy, so your version of acting like an asshole is actually just you acting like a guy with an edge. Deep down you are not an asshole and women can tell that right away. They do not like when a guy bends over backwards for them without even knowing them and gives up all his self-worth. You have tapped into something amazing. You have gone from passive to active! It is super sexy and you are getting results.
Email: I purchased your video and audio program from your website. First, I have to say it was amazing to be able to hear how all those women really talk when men are not around.
It was great and I got a lot from it. I did have one question on something said. In the video with you and your friends, someone says that she wants to be approached in a fun way, with some funny comment. Now, I understand that but there is not always something funny to comment about. Is it okay to just go and say, "Hi? What's your name? It's confusing, you know! Adam My response: Adam, I totally understand how you could find that comment confusing and frustrating.
It is not always easy to bring the funny, especially when you are not naturally an over the top funny guy. What she was saying is that she wants a man who does not take things so seriously all the time and can see the humor in things. Bring something to the table other than your deep understanding of how to write the best HTML code man has ever seen.
This does not mean you have to perform, be the entertainer, or work hard at making her feel good. It means you have to bring something to the table to add to her evening.
I have had many men who approach me and bring nothing to the table. No character, no energy, just a bag of nerves, no confidence and expect me to make all conversation. For me it feels like pulling teeth. It takes away from my night. I am a nice girl and will give at least five minutes of my time to a man that has the confidence to approach. I am patient. Most women will not give you that time and if they do, it will be followed by a lot of head nodding, one-word answers, and the hopes of finding an excuse to get away from you.
I go out to have fun. I work all day and when I go out, I want to enjoy my evening not do more work. So bring the fun, enjoy life, and be able to laugh at yourself. That is what women mean when they say sense of humor is super important.
Email: Marni, Is it wrong to date women knowing that you have no romantic interest in them at all but are doing it to gain experience? Someone I know advised me to do this. I find it a little bit misleading to do this. Very similar to women receiving attention from men knowing they have no interest in being romantic with that person.
Maybe my thinking is wrong, what do you think? James My response: Hmm, that is a sticky one. I would not ask a woman out that you are not at all interested in just so you can practice dating.
However, if you are on a date and you realize, "Eh Then you handle it like a man and tell her you are not really feeling it. I get what your friend was trying to advise.
He wants you to get out there, practice, and not be so fussy during this time. I would say be looser with who you deem datable but I would not date girls knowing you are using them. Seems like that could bring bad karma and I am not even into karma.
My rule of thumb if you ever have doubt about your actions is to think to yourself, "Would I want someone to do that to me? Marni, I am attempting to learn the judicious application of mystery. I have been playing with it to some success. I actually enjoy it. I can indulge the novelist in myself. My question, how long should I keep up the game? You can be mysterious, but when you decide you like a woman, that is when you start to share.
You can still hold onto your information. Meaning be private and do not throw it all on her at once. There is no need to continue to be completely mysterious otherwise, she will get bored and move on. Worse, she will become insecure and angry and you do not want to see that. Trust me. The Things They Do Want.
The Short, Bald Man That Turned Me On To illustrate just how unimportant certain stereotypes of attraction are to women, I want to tell you a story about a night I spent out with my girl-friends. When we first got there, we scoured the bar to see if there were any potential hot men.
We spotted a group of guys and plopped ourselves down next to them, making sure they could see us. As we sat down, they looked over at us, smiled, and then huddled together, glancing our way between bouts of conversation. Then one guy turned to our table and asked "What are you ladies drinking? My friends and I want to buy you drinks. After the drinks arrived, two of the guys came over to our table and started gabbing on and on about a huge financial deal they had just closed.
One of them then talked about a new car he had just purchased, and he did not forget to mention the price. The help me eyes are an international female signal that say to other women, "Help me.
I want to get away from this guy. As soon as we moved, the topic of conversation shifted immediately to how ridiculously those men had acted. We could not believe that attractive, well- dressed men, who were obviously successful, were that insecure!
Why did they feel the need to babble on about what they had when they could have just talked to us? Trust me; at least half of us would have gone home with one of those men. However, they totally ruined it and turned each of us off. About two hours later, I was getting drinks from the bar when a man approached me. Not attractive but for some reason when he walked over to me I felt the energy that I can only explain as magnetic.
I introduced myself. How can you tell? Girls like that do not exist around here. Where are you from? What made you want to move here? He was interesting, confident and had this comfortable way about him that intrigued me greatly. When I like a guy I am talking to, I get nervous, trip over my words and ramble. Sometimes about topics that have absolutely nothing to do with the conversation at hand. Lucky for me, guys seem to like that.
I did not notice anyone else around me. I was totally into this guy. I took a second to think about it. What is it about this bald, short man in glasses who has absolutely no style whatsoever? Then I realized what it was that I was attracted to, his character.
This guy was interesting and confident and obviously, a man who went after what he wanted. He was light- hearted, did not take things too seriously, and did not agree with everything I said.
He looked me straight in the eye and went after me, without a doubt in his mind that he might be rejected. He did not approach me with some cheesy line or routine. He approached me directly without fear and I could sense that. He did not dominate the conversation. If anything, I was doing most of the talking. This in turn made me nervous. I was the one who was afraid of possible rejection. I did not feel at any time that I had full control of the situation. I re-member thinking, "Does this guy like me?
I could tell from our conversation that xxx was a good man and desired by others. This of course made me want him more. He was self-assured, calm, and cool and collected.
This is the type of man that creates attraction. The type of man I want to date and be in a relationship with. As long as you are direct, confident, and clear in your wants, women will be attracted to you. The more comfortable you are in your skin, the more attractive you are to women. I am attracted to a self-assured man who knows himself and knows what he wants.
I can tell you that xxx was not always able to approach women with such confidence. Later, he revealed to me that he used to be unsuccessful with women and was afraid to approach. He used to think he was too skinny, short, and unattractive and it took time to grow into his looks. You too can feel exactly like xxx. Every man can!
You can approach, attract, date, and keep the most attractive, amazing women. I am always talking about the "presence" of some men that makes women fall head over heels. A while back, I received an email from one of my clients who wanted me to elaborate on just what the heck "presence" was and why he did not yet have it.
Below is the email from X. He really got me to dig deep and I know this information is the exact information you need to understand what women want from a man. Question from X: Hey Marni, If looks do not matter that much to women, what is the point, or the deed, or the key or whatever, to get the woman to stop looking at what he looks like, and start to like him for who is inside?
More so, what must the man be like, act like or do in order to take attention away from the way he looks and turn a woman's attention to his character? What would make you forget about how the guy looks and like him for something inside?
X Answer from me: I am going to try to break it down for you the best way that I can. For me, yes, looks are what initially catch my eye. They are the first and only thing I can use to evaluate whether I am interested. This can happen in a matter of seconds or it may take minutes. I wanted to share a little story with you that may be able to help explain what I mean when I talk about presence.
The other day, I was with a best guy friend of mine who has always been great with women. Some of our other friends are a little jealous of his abilities and credit it to his money, car, or home. As a woman, I know that his success with women has nothing to do with his status. Honestly, he could be dirt poor and bald and women would still be super attracted to him.
In fact, they were back when he had nothing. The reason why women are attracted to him is his calm demeanor, confidence, and enjoyment of life.
He is easy to be around, interesting and has his own point of view but is intrigued by what others have to say. Not in an arrogant way, but in a humble way.
I know what you were looking for was a more magical answer than this but that is really the secret. Now the hard part is getting to a place of believing this about yourself and feeling that same calmness and comfort.
I may not be able to give you a magic pill that will get you that instantly but I can tell you how to get it. This type of character is built from practice, experience, and information. It comes from observing, people but more importantly from recognizing yourself. I do not want to sound like a spiritual guru right now but I hope you see where I am going with this.
My guy friend has been in therapy since he was He was constantly evaluating himself with the assistance of another person. This allowed him to face his greatest fears, learn to control his anxiety and come out on the other side as a man of value. The reason he has this value for himself is that he has worked at it and earned it. He gives himself permission to go after what he wants and believes that he will get it.
There will always be other opportunities. You can have this presence if you want it! Marni When a man approaches me, I of course evaluate him on his looks. As I said before, I have nothing else to go by. As I get a better sense of his character, his face starts to morph.
Sometimes it can get better looking and sometimes it can become hideous. I hope what you took away from this email exchange with X is that the only person holding you back from getting everything you want is you. The more you push yourself to take chances the more confidence you will gain and more opportunities with women will appear.
As a woman, I felt attraction for him just reading what he wrote. Email from M: Dear Marni, I want to thank you for all of your wonderful advice. I have been subscribed to your newsletter for the past couple of months and can definitely say that I have seen an improvement in my interactions with women. I think I really understand what you are trying to get us guys to realize that we have to like ourselves before a woman can.
Guys have to approach every situation knowing they are worth it and if a girl rejects them, then she is just missing out on being with a great guy. On the riverbanks, there are tons of women and every now and then, I stop and offer one of them the chance to get on board the boat with me. If they do, great! If they do not, then there is just another girl further down the river that will get on board and have a great time with me.
I find that since I adopted this mindset, girls have looked at me differently, giving me more attention, and allowing me to enjoy flirting more. Thank you for allowing me to realize this, Marni. M Again, this honestly turned me on just reading it. To feel like this in your gut, you have to get out there. You have to push yourself, take risks, interact with women, be rejected, and laugh, gain experience.
It all starts with one-step, so get off your butt and start interacting with women. Looks are way down on the list. Why is confidence so attractive to women? What is it about a confident man that turns us on so much? I will tell you.
Men who are needy are very unattractive and women can instantly feel it when a man is needy. If you do not think you are good enough how will she think you are?
When you interact with a woman and you get uncomfortable you stop yourself from connecting with her. How can a woman be into you if she does not feel a connection? Women want to feel feminine not masculine. The more feminine you allow a woman to feel the more attracted to you she will be.
There are a million more reasons why confidence is the most attractive characteristic to women. So as a man, how can you build this confidence? How do you even start? Lucky for you I have the answer to both questions here. The article teaches readers how to build confidence. In fact, a lot of the advice is quite similar to the advice I give my private coaching clients.
I want to share the highlights with you. By blaming them for your inadequacies, you allow other people to control your destiny.
To move forward and be the person you want to be, the first lesson is that shyness and low self-esteem are optional, not fixed. According to Dr. Russ Harris there are five factors leading to low self- confidence: harsh self-judgment, excessive expectations, preoccupation with fear and anxiety, lack of skills, inadequate experience.
Practicing your skills picking up, talking to, or approaching women and gaining experience are essential. Feel the fear. Set goals and split them up into manageable stages.
You must work to attain it but when you do, it will give you everything you need to walk up to a woman and be yourself. It is my virtual Kick in the Ass motivator. Every year I want to change it but every year I realize that what men need to get women does not change all that often. It is a permanent thing. I want to share that annual letter here because it is just as poignant now as it would be in January: 1 Be a Leader, Not a Follower.
I know it is easier to be the "laid back guy" but it is certainly not attractive. Be decisive in everything that you do. Even if you do not have an opinion, form one and take it to action. For example, "X, what do you want to do tonight? Women are more attracted to men that have lives of their own. Because it means they are not as needy. It is time for honesty - No more covering up your intentions and suppressing your masculine urges.
Moreover, what do you want? You want to know whether she is a good fit for you. Whether it has to date, have sex, form a partnership, build a friendship or whatever. You will never find out unless you are clear with your intentions. There is nothing sexier than a man who is direct. Be direct and ask for what you want. Think of how you asked for gifts from Santa when you were younger.
The only way to get what you want is by asking for it. I guarantee that if you start doing these four things, you will get what you want with women! Below is an email from one of my clients. Together we have taken him from a pouncing pleaser to an attractive option to women. He sent me an email today listing the discoveries he has made over the last year.
He now lives by what he shares here: Email: Hey Marni, I should preface this by saying that I am not perfect. I still make mistakes, sometimes screw up, and end in the Friend Zone. However, these are my discoveries� 1 Passion for Life.
You have to be living a life that you feel passion-ate about. At some point she is going to want to know about you, and you are in good shape there if you have some cool stories of your own to share with her.
Doing aerial and Cross fit and learning to surf was terrific as far as helping me meet women, not so much due to meeting women at these places, but more because it gave me something great to talk about when I did go on dates. A statement that always seems to turn on women, "I really want to try worthwhile goal , and so I have been preparing for worthwhile goal.
This takes on a bunch of different forms but here are a few that mean the most to me. You cannot be in any rush to share these stories.
Let her talk, and then you can share. You will not only look courteous, but it is also smart. If she never does ask you about your life, then that is a good sign that she is not someone you want to get involved with. This means that you cannot be so quick to fill in the silences. Let there be pauses. However, be very careful about giving too many compliments! The irony is that the more of them you give past the first one, the less genuine they actually look.
On the one hand, we want to make the girl feel comfortable, but on the other hand, we want the girl to invest in the interaction too, and worry just a little bit how she is coming across. The ability to check in, see how you are feeling, and see what is really going on. When I asked her a perfectly nice question about her job, she just seems to be complaining. These are mine for now! Mike These three things are essential, not only for women, but also for you as a man. It took a while for Mike to grasp these concepts, but now that he has, the world of women is his for the taking!
Real Men Take Risks "For hundreds of thousands of years of human development, a confident attitude was much easier for men to gain and display than it is now because it was required for survival.
There was hardly any choice. Until recently, the demands of physical survival were the primary issue in pair bonding and confidence- building roles for both sexes directly related to survival were far more apparent. I am not talking about survival in extraordinary circumstances, either. It could be as basic as steadfastness in getting the crops in out of the rain. Men were constantly faced with potential risk; risk of not eating, risk of being attacked, risk of disease. The list goes on.
Every day, there was a large or small risk that every man faced to survive. Sadly, many men make this choice. Here a few to get you started: 1 Smile at five strangers today. The risk is merely the approach. For the next five days, take these risks. If you have a hard time remembering to take these risks, put them in your calendar or write them down on a Post-It and place it on your computer screen.
Whatever you need to do to remember to take these risks, do it. If you do not, you cannot grow. If you do not grow, you will not gain more confidence. If you do not gain more confidence, you can never become a man that women want.
I challenge you to take these small risks every day. I promise that if you do, you will become a man women want. More importantly, you will gain more confidence and the character you have wanted for a long time. Rules for Attracting Beautiful Women I have an exercise for you. It requires minimum effort and will create maximum results. I want you to know what it is like to walk in a woman's shoes. No, I am not going to make you put on a pair of heels but I am going to show you what beautiful women experience with men every day.
I hope that this exercise will give you a new perspective on what women deal with on a daily basis and how you can change to get what you want. So that you can see the tiny errors and mistakes you make that are silently killing your chances of attracting, dating, and getting incredibly amazing and beautiful women, here is your assignment. Your assignment is to create an online dating profile as a woman.
Now wait for the responses that you get. One of my clients wrote to me after doing the exercise: Email: Marni, I signed up on a dating site as a woman and I have learned that dudes are lame. In less than a day, I have received 11 pages of e-mails, most of which have "Hi" as the subject. In a few of the messages, the guys were not so subtly bragging about one thing or another. Alternatively, they just hit me with a barrage of questions.
I didn't realize how pathetic most guys are. Is this what it is like for women in real life to? I am almost starting to feel like I would be doing women a favor by approaching them.
Dave My response: Dave, There it is! The magic realization. You would be doing them a favor to save them from the horrible shit they are bombarded with every day. Yes, women get that in real life.
Yes, the more attractive a woman is the more bullshit is thrown at her and the lower quality level of man approaches her. I am so glad that you stand to see it through a woman's eyes. At first, a part of me felt somewhat bad for fucking with all those desperate guys after posting a pic of an insanely beautiful girl, but another part of me just wanted to laugh my ass off at all the redundant, mundane messages I got.
In the very first day, that I had the profile on, I got 17 messages. Are you kidding me? That is the best they can come up with?
I thought that was bad until I read the actual messages. Pretty much all of them said something to the tune of this, "Hey. You are beautiful. Message me back and get to know me. If the first thing he mentions is your looks that is obviously all he really cares about. I have to admit, I was once guilty of this myself. Thanks again for the exercise. It definitely opened my eyes.
By the way, I took the profile down. Alex I have given this exercise to over men and each of them have had the same response. They were shocked at how women were bombarded by pathetic losers. You can imagine why women have developed their own "barriers for entry" and why it is even more challenging for great men to break through the barriers.
Try it. Learn from it. Change your perspective because of it. Something tells me I am about to get in a lot of trouble from dating sites but it is worth it. Women Want a Strong Man I debated the placement of this email exchange for a few days. In fact, I probably moved it around from chapter to chapter over a dozen times. The reason I did this was that the email below is from a man asking to get his girlfriend back.
This comes way after understanding the type of man women want. However, at its core, the question is really about the type of man women want and how this guy can become that man. Therefore, I stuck it at the end of the first chapter because I feel it truly explains what all women want. The honest to God truth about what women want is everything and nothing all at the same time.
We do not know what we want. We may think we do, but usually we are wrong. After almost a decade of working with men to explain the ultimate mystery that is women, I have realized what women truly want, even if they do not know they do. What women truly want is a man. A man that can lead us towards what we want from life. Not by being an aggressive, arrogant jerk but by remaining strong, confident, and comfortable no matter what we throw their way.
A man, who gets us, understands us, leads us, and can stay grounded in our moments of confusion. That is a man any woman would happily be attached to, and feel satisfied that she is getting everything she ever wanted from and more.
Now that we got that out of the way, I want to share an email exchange with a guy whose girlfriend broke up with him for not being a man. Seeing as he has a penis, I can understand his confusion with her statement. Above, I told you what women want and now, through my email correspondence with C, I am going to show you what exactly that looks like. Well, she broke up with me mainly for not being a man. Not in bed our sex was always amazing, and I know it was for her to , but for not being a man in the other areas of my life.
The short version of the story is that I had been lazy, without a job collecting unemployment and not taking my own life seriously.
I ended up being evicted, and had to stay with her for the last two months and even though I had already started to get my shit together, the damage was already done, and my actions were not fast enough for her, and I totally agree. I got the boot. Now I always told her that if she really loved me at my lowest point in my life, she was really going to be crazy about me at my best.
I have always been fairly successful at having my shit together before I met her , but for the last three years I went somewhere mentally I swear I will never go back to. So, she waited, waited, and watched as I moved towards my goals at a very slow speed. For a year and a half, this went on. I am surprised she lasted that long with me. I know I would not have put up with it if I were in her shoes.
Having said that, my life is finally turning around. I have my own place, I am starting a new job next week, and my new business is finally generating some revenue. I want a second chance not so much at the relationship, but at us. I want her to see the real me plus all this knowledge and to date her nonexclusively and see where it goes from there.
I know we still love each other very much but I was acting a bit needy and clingy towards the end, which I know, turned her off. When she broke up with me, she told me that the only time she felt a connection was when we were having sex.
After reading some of your material, I can see that crystal clear now. We had been talking before we broke up about how we could not wait to watch the Roast of Charlie Sheen, which is this coming Monday.
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