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Jihan Astianti. Reply to author. Report message as abuse. Show original message. Either email addresses are anonymous for this group or you need the view member email addresses permission to view the original message. Terror stalks the nightmare realms of Ravenloft. No one knows this better than monster scholar Rudolph Van Richten. To arm a new generation against the creatures of the night, Van Richten has compiled his correspondence and case files into this tome of eerie tales and chilling truths.

The first thing I tell debut authors is this: Assume nothing. If just one person had sat me down when I signed my first book contract and explained how publishing works, how nothing is guaranteed, and how it often feels like playing Russian Roulette with words, I would have made much sounder financial and creative decisions.

I would have set a foundation for a healthy life as an artist, laying the groundwork to thrive in uncertainty, to avoid desperation, panic, and bad decisions that would affect me for years to come. What pain could I have avoided if they had advised me not to spend that money as though there would be more where that came from? I suspect I may have avoided a near nervous breakdown and not come so perilously close to financial ruin and creative burnout. But no one came forward.

Let me back up. Now, I want to acknowledge the inherent privilege that I hold as a white, educated, middle-class American. They are good problems. Lucky, even. I had a leg up, even when it felt like I was in the trenches. Access equals privilege, and I understand that. Revising is my favorite part of the writing process, and clearly a big part of my personal life. In fact I wish I could go back and revise the past six years. Not for this one book deal. Otherwise, I reasoned, they would never have paid me such enormous sums.

These publishers must be investing in me for the long run. I was one of their own. It had happened twice in a row, these six-figures: Surely I had somehow become one of the chosen few.

Surely there were writers who had gotten the memo about how advances worked, and the ins and outs of publishing. What came after was beside the point. Someone has to be on the bestseller list, win the National Book Award, have the big movie deal. Did anyone working with me — agency, publishing team — tell me that a sumptuous advance was not something I should depend on or get used to?

Did anyone in the publishing house take me under their wing and explain to me how the company made decisions about future book deals?

Did the publisher tap a more seasoned author on their list to mentor me, as many major corporations encourage within their companies? Did the MFA in writing program that I was part of, in any way, arm me with the knowledge to protect and advocate for myself in the publishing world? I donated large sums of money to organizations I cared about, and delighted in the feeling that I was making a real difference.

Did I pay off my student loans? No, though I made a few large payments. Did I set money aside for retirement? Right now, I had to suck the marrow out of life — and invest heavily in trying to build my author brand.

And no one said I should be buying fancy cocktails. That was all my choice, a combination of an almost manic pursuit of joie de vivre Fitzgerald would understand! I figured they had cracked the code — swag, website — and I just needed to follow suit. Despite making some poor choices, I did try very hard to do right by this unexpected reversal of fortunes. The school where my husband taught had a financial planner that offered services to teachers, so we met with him and his partner, but it was obvious they only wanted to sell us life insurance.

Our tax guy told us what to write off, but we had no idea what we were doing. No writer I knew had someone they trusted for financial advice, and our unconventional earnings made getting clear advice very difficult. I lived in Brooklyn, a borough of one of the most expensive cities in the world.

While I was buoyed by the very small, very occasional foreign book deal, this was it until there were more books in the pipeline. What could I have done differently? I could have opted to move to a city that was less expensive, certainly. I could have chosen not to quit my day job, but it would have been tough. In that moment, only one thing guides you, and it is this: No matter what it takes, I will never accept my life getting to this point again.

We only arrive at rock bottom when our habits begin to compound upon one another, when our coping mechanisms have spiraled so out of control that we can no longer resist the feelings we were attempting to hide.

We must heal. We must change. We must choose to turn around so that we will never feel this way again. Mostly, though, we are somewhat aware that small failures are a regular part of life; we are imperfect but trying our best, and that vague discomfort will pass eventually. This is a beautiful reckoning to have. Make it hurt.

This means that they do not actually embrace the difficulty of altering their habits until they simply do not have another choice. Staying where they are is not viable.

They can no longer even pretend that it is desirable in any way. If you really want to change your life, let yourself be consumed with rage: not toward others, not with the world, but within yourself. Get angry, determined, and allow yourself to develop tunnel vision with one thing and one thing only at the end: that you will not go on as you are. If they come to terms with how unhappy they are, it means that they will have to temporarily be more uncomfortable, ashamed, or scared while they start all over.

The people who are meant for you are going to meet you on the other side. Remaining attached to your old life is the first and final act of self-sabotage, and releasing it is what we must prepare for to truly be willing to see real change. When they hold your life back, you call them self-sabotage. They are both essentially the same function.

Sometimes, we just get used to living a certain way and fail to have a vision for how life could be different. Sometimes, we run our lives on autopilot for long enough that we begin to think we no longer have a choice. Self-sabotage is often misunderstood to be a way in which we punish, deride, or intentionally hurt ourselves.

On the surface, this seems true enough. Self-sabotage is committing to a healthier diet and finding yourself pulling up to the drive-thru a few hours later. It is knowing you have so much to be grateful for and excited about and yet worrying anyway. We often misattribute these behaviors to a lack of intelligence, willpower, or capability.

That is usually not the case. Self-sabotage is when you have two conflicting desires. One is conscious, one is unconscious. You know how you want to move your life forward, and yet you are still, for some reason, stuck.

People are pretty incredible in the fact that they basically do whatever they want to do. This is true of everything in human life. Regardless of the potential consequences, human nature has revealed itself to be incredibly self-serving. People have an almost superhuman way of doing whatever they feel compelled to do, regardless of whom it could hurt, what wars it could spawn, or what future would be put at risk.

The only question is why. In fact, the opposite tends to be true. Success usually exposes you to jealousy and scrutiny. Successful people are not loved in the way that we imagine they would be; they are usually picked apart because envious people need to humanize them in some way.

Perhaps they want to re-create family relationships in which they felt helpless, but to live them again as an adult where they can help the addict, the liar, or the broken person. Being successful can make you less liked. Finding love can make you more vulnerable.

Playing small allows you to avoid scrutiny. Procrastinating puts you back in a place of comfort. All the ways in which you are self-sabotaging are actually ways that you are feeding a need you probably do not even realize you have.

Overcoming it is not only a matter of learning to understand yourself better, but realizing that your problems are not problems; they are symptoms. When we have a problem to solve, resistance is usually nowhere to be found.

But when we have something to enjoy, create, or build, we are tapping into a part of ourselves that is trying to thrive instead of just survive, and the unfamiliarity can be daunting.

When we are experiencing resistance, there is always a reason, and we have to pay attention. Instead, releasing resistance requires us to refocus. We have to get clear on what we want as well as when and why we want it.

We have to identify unconscious beliefs that are preventing us from showing up, and then we have to step back into the work when we feel inspired. Wanting is the entryway to showing up after resistance. It is your tolerance and threshold for having positive feelings or experiencing positive events.

For some people, this manifests physically, often as aches, pains, headaches, or physical tension. For others, it manifests emotionally as resistance, anger, guilt, or fear. It might seem totally counterintuitive, but we are not 33 34 BRIANNA WIEST really wired to be happy; we are wired to be comfortable, and anything that is outside of that realm of comfort feels threatening or scary until we are familiar with it.

By taking it slow, you are allowing yourself to gradually reinstate a new comfort zone around what you want your life to be. Over time, you gradually shift your baseline to a new standard. UPROOTING Uprooting happens when someone finds themselves jumping from relationship to relationship or changing their business website again and again, when they really need to focus on confronting relationship issues when they arise or taking care of clients they already have.

In uprooting, you are not allowing yourself to blossom; you are only comfortable with the process of sprouting. Uprooting can be a way of diverting attention from the actual problems in your life, as your attention must go toward reestablishing oneself at a new job or in a new town.

Ultimately, uprooting means you are always just beginning your new chapter but never really finishing it. Despite your efforts to keep moving on, you end up more stuck than ever before.

One of the primary symptoms of uprooting is not realizing that one is doing it. Trace back your steps over the past few years: How many places have you moved or worked? Then figure out what is driving you away from each new thing you find.

Next, you need to get clear on what you really want. What would it look like to choose one place to live, then build connections there? When the moment comes that you would typically flee, confront the discomfort and stay where you are. Figure out why you are uncomfortable getting attached to one thing or another, and determine what a healthy attachment would look like for you.

In fact, it is a hindering thing, because it sets up unrealistic expectations about what we are capable of or what the outcomes of our lives could be. Perfectionism holds us back from showing up and trying, or really doing the important work of our lives. We sabotage ourselves because it is the willingness to show up and simply do it, again and again and again, that ultimately brings us to a place of mastery.

At first, all that matters is that you do what you really want to do. From there, you can learn from your mistakes and over time get to the place where you really want to be. The truth is that we actually do not accomplish great feats when we are anxious about whether or not what we do will indeed be something impressive and world-changing.

We accomplish these sorts of things when we simply show up and allow ourselves to create something meaningful and important to us. Instead of perfection, focus on progress. Instead of having something done perfectly, focus on just getting it done. From there, you can edit, build, grow, and develop it to exactly what your vision is. There will likewise be people, situations, and circumstances that are inspiring, hopeful, helpful, and truly offer purpose and meaning in your life.

When you are only able to process half of your emotions, you stunt yourself. You start going out of your way to avoid any possible situation that could bring up something frustrating or uncomfortable, because you have no tools to be able to handle that feeling.

This means that you start avoiding the very risks and actions that would ultimately change your life for the better. In addition, an inability to process your emotions means you get stuck with them. When we can only process half of our emotions, we ultimately only live half of the life we really want to.

Next, you have to validate how you feel. Recognize that you are not alone; anyone in your situation would probably feel similarly and does and that what you feel is absolutely okay. In doing this, you can allow yourself a physical release such as crying, shaking, journaling about what you feel, or talking to a trusted friend. When we have a goal, dream, or plan, there is no measure of intent. It is only whether you did it or did not.

Any other reason you offer for not showing up and doing the work is simply you stating that you prioritize that reason over your ultimate ambition, which means that it will always take precedence in your life. You may also be using excuses to help navigate away from uncomfortable feelings that are ultimately necessary for your growth. Stop accepting your own excuses. Start quantifying your days by how many healthy, positive things you accomplished, and you will see how quickly you begin to make progress.

We are often actually creating distractions and chaos that serve an unconscious purpose. A clean, organized space—both for work and for living— is essential to thriving. This means a tidy home, clothes that are easy to reach and put together each morning, a clean kitchen, and an organized desk. Without cleanliness, we create fewer opportunities for ourselves. Nothing positive, nor beautiful, flows from chaos.

Deep down, we know this. Often, when we are self-sabotaging through disorganization, it is because when we are very clean or organized, we get an uneasy feeling. That uneasy feeling is what we are trying to avoid, because it is the recognition that now that everything is in order, we must get to work on doing what we need to do or who we want to become. To declutter and reorganize, start with one room, and if that is too much, try one corner, drawer, or closet.

Work on that, and only that, and then implement a routine that maintains the organization. From there, start arranging your space so that it works for you, not against you.

Put something soothing on your bedside table like a diffuser, or create an organized family calendar in the kitchen so appointments and schedules are visible to others. If you have trouble with the mail being disorganized, create a spot for it to go when it comes in each day.

If you have trouble with laundry being disorganized, create a system for it and decide on a day or two that you do the wash, and do it in bulk. You must slowly let yourself get used to working at a clean desk, and eventually it will become second nature.

In other cases, you determine what you want and then you outgrow your old ambitions. This is different than lacking motivation or experiencing resistance. When you find yourself struggling with something, you have to ask yourself: Do I actually want to do this? Do you want the job, or do you just like how the title sounds?

Are you in love with the person, or do you like the idea of the relationship? Are you still holding an outdated idea of what your greatest success will be, and if so, what would it look like to let that go?

Our only responsibility is to make decisions for the person we have become. However, doing so requires the tremendous courage to put our pride aside and see things for what they really are. However, it does far more damage than we realize, as it sets up barriers to our own success. If we do that every time we come across a person who is more successful than we are, we begin to associate that level of success with being disliked.

In other cases, you might have heard people you grew up around villainizing others who had money. This sweeping characterization sealed itself in your subconscious, and now you find yourself sabotaging your own attempts to become financially healthy, because you associate it with guilt and being disliked. When we set up judgments for others, they become rules that we have to play by, too. When you see someone who has something you want, congratulate them, even if it feels hard at first.

It will extend back and open you up to receiving it as well. Sometimes, we know a relationship is wrong, but the shame of leaving seems worse than staying.

In these cases, our pride is getting in the way. We are making decisions based on how we imagine people view our lives, not how they actually are. This is not only inaccurate, but it is also very unhealthy. People will respect you far more if you can acknowledge that you are an imperfect person—like everyone else—learning, adapting, and trying your best.

In reaching this mindset, you also open yourself up to learning. Basically, you open yourself back up to growth, and your life is better for it over the long term. One of the biggest mental barriers people face is the guilt that comes with finally having enough or more than one needs.

Often, people will sabotage their higher incomes with reckless discretionary spending or by being less vigilant about their clientele or workload, because they are not quite comfortable having more than the basic necessities, and so they put themselves back into a comfortable feeling of lack.

When it comes to success, guilt is an unfortunately common emotion, especially for good-hearted people who want to do the right thing and live authentic lives.

What you have to realize is that money and success are tools. They buy you back time and offer you the opportunity to help, employ, influence, and change the lives of others. Instead of looking at your success as a status differentiator—which will always make you feel bad and uncomfortable—see it instead as a tool with which you can do important and positive things in the world and your own life.

The fear of failing is often something that holds people back from putting in the work they would need to become truly great at something, but it can also take another, more insidious form.

These catastrophic thoughts happen when we want to shield ourselves from potential loss. They only come up when we finally have something we care enough about and really want to keep. These are two very different experiences and should be separated in your mind. When we fail out of negligence, we take a step back. When we fail because we are attempting new feats, we take one step closer to what will work. This happens because of downplaying.

It is a feeling akin to death, so we instead find another measure to work toward. We do not get better only to get worse again. We do not achieve one thing only to lose it and return to what we were before. That instinct is a self-sabotaging behavior, one that wants to keep us within our old comfort zone. Instead, we can acknowledge that when one part of our life improves, it radiates out to everything else.

When we achieve one thing, we are better equipped for the future. Life tends to gradually get better as we keep working on it; it only gets worse if we accomplish something then shut down because we are intimidated by our own power. Or when they want to make a change professionally but find ways to make it difficult if not impossible for them to actually do it. At the core of all these behaviors is the fact that one part of our psyche understands that we should be evolving and moving forward with our lives and another part is intimidated by the potential discomfort it would bring.

Usually, this culminates in so much inner tension and frustration that a breaking point is reached, and changes are made from there. What does a healthy life look like for you?

How would it make you feel, and what would you be doing? Instead, figure out what makes you feel best. Decide what combination of healthy eating, exercise, and sleep is right for you, and stick to it. Like so many things, healthy habits are best established gradually. Instead of trying to force yourself to take an hour at the gym at 6 AM, try instead to do 15 minutes, or perhaps swap out with a class you really enjoy, or go at a time that works better for your schedule.

Make it easy for yourself to succeed. Prep your meals or keep water by your desk so you can sip it throughout the day. Gradually recondition yourself to prefer healthy habits, ones that actually work for your lifestyle. Being busy communicates importance; it often makes you seem a little untouchable to others.

It also overwhelms the body so that it can only focus on the tasks at hand. If this is the case, your first job has to be to streamline and prioritize your tasks in order of importance, outsource whatever else you can, and then let go of the rest.

If your issue is that you intentionally create chaos and busy-ness in your day when there is no need for it, you have to get comfortable with simplicity and routine. Start with writing down your top 5 tasks that need to be done each day, and then focus on doing those and only those.

Does it make you feel more important than others? Certainly you can think of some people in your life who stress you out, make you feel insecure, and yet keep you coming back for more. These relationships exist at the lighter end of the toxicity spectrum, but they are self-defeating nonetheless.

You do, however, need to understand that the people you spend the most time with will shape your future irrevocably, and so you must choose them wisely. You should leave a get-together feeling energized and inspired, not exhausted and angry. It takes time to find your group of friends, and you may not discover that all at once.

Slowly but genuinely rebuild your connections, and then foster and care for them as much as you can. You then keep coming back to it to the point that it even controls some part of your life. Irrational fears, especially the kind that are least likely to become reality, are often what we project real fears onto. When you find yourself in a fear cycle, constantly repeating some strange, random, or unimportant one-off circumstance or situation that has a very low probability of becoming reality, ask yourself if you have any feelings about something related that is actually valid.

If the fear was an abstract metaphor, what would the meaning be? Is the abrupt loss of income a symbol of your desire for security? Is the fear of the future a symbol for not living fully right now?

Is the anxiety about making decisions a symbol for knowing what you really want and being too afraid to choose it? If we can identify what we want to protect, we can find healthier and more secure ways to do it. In other words, you are in denial, and so any hope of healing is futile. If you get to the point in life at which the scariest, most detrimental thing you face is the fear of whether or not you will be able to handle your own emotions, you are the one standing in your own way—nothing else is.

Instead of trying to incite war on yourself to overcome your overeating, spending, drinking, sexing—whatever it is you know you need to improve—ask yourself what emotional need that thing is filling.

Until you do, you will battle it forever. Your willpower is a limited resource. You only have so much in a day. Rather than using it to try to become good at everything, decide what matters most to you. Focus your attention on that, and let everything else slip away. When we arrive, however, we realize it is constructed by those who find an intersection of their interests, passions, skills, and a market gap.

Sprinkle on a little bit of persistence, and the only way to fail is to give up. You are not the person you were five years ago. You can identify your core commitments by looking at the things that you struggle with most and the things you are most driven by. People only seem irrational and unpredictable until you understand what they are fundamentally committed to. For example, if someone has a core commitment to feel free, they may find themselves sabotaging work opportunities in order to achieve that.

But the most important thing to understand is that your core commitments are actually a cover-up for core needs. Your core need is the opposite of your core commitment. Your core need is also another way to identify your purpose. For example, if your subconscious core commitment is to be in control, your core need is trust. If your subconscious core commitment is to be needed, your core need is to know you are wanted.

If your subconscious core commitment is to be loved by others, your need is self-love. If you are a person who needs trust and is therefore committed to staying in control, the less that you believe you are supported, the more your negative coping mechanisms are going to flare up.

Perhaps this could happen in the form of disruptive eating patterns, isolating yourself, or hyper-fixation on physical appearance. The more you lean into fulfilling your core needs, the more your commitment symptoms will disappear. Once you understand what a person really wants, you will be able to explain the intricacies of their habits and behaviors. You will be able to predict down to the detail what they will do in any given situation. This means that once we understand the root and purpose of the behavior, we adjust it.

We adapt. We know what we want to do, and we know what we need to do. It is simply that we are being held back by our fear of feeling. To begin to unravel this emotional holding pattern, we can work through the following to find more ease and space and freedom while we change our lives.

This feeling is usually a masking emotion that is preventing you from actually being aware of the sensations beneath it which are more acute. Instead, start asking the right questions. Why do I feel this way? What is this feeling trying to tell me about the action I am trying to take?

Is there something I need to learn here? What do I need to do to honor my needs right now? Then you have to reconnect to your inspiration or your vision for life. Get clear on why you want to take this action and make a change. In other cases, you might run into other emotions such as anger, sadness, or inadequacy. When those feelings come up, it is very important to make space for them. This means to allow them to rise up in your body and observe them.

Watch where they make you tense up or constrict. Feel what they want you to feel. Remember that a lot of these feelings may very well have a root in something related to the self-sabotaging behavior.

The feelings associated with self-sabotage are not usually random. In fact, they can lead us to deeper insights about what we really need and what problems within us are still unresolved. To fully release those feelings once you are aware of them, try writing yourself a letter. Write something to your younger self or from the perspective of your future self.

Write down a mantra or a manifesto. Remind yourself that you love yourself too much to settle for less, or that it is okay to be angry in unfair or frustrating circumstances.

Give yourself space to experience the depth of your emotions so that they do not control your behaviors. The truth is that you can have a vision of what you want, know that it is undoubtedly right for you, and simply not feel like taking the action required to pursue that path. This is because our feelings are essentially wired as comfort systems.

However, we can actually train ourselves to prefer behaviors that are good for us. This is how we restructure our comfort zones. We begin to crave what we repeatedly do, but the first few times we do it, we often feel uncomfortable. The trick is being able to override that initial hesitation so we are guiding our lives with logic and reason, not emotionality.

Though your emotions are always valid and need to be validated, they are hardly ever an accurate measure of what you are capable of in life. You may feel as though you are worthless, but you most certainly are not. You may feel as though there is no hope, but there most certainly is. You may feel as though everyone dislikes you, but that is probably a gross overexaggeration.

You may think everyone is judging you, but that is a misperception. Most importantly, you may feel as though you cannot take action, when you most certainly can.

You simply do not feel willing, because you are not used to it. By using logic and vision to guide ourselves, we are able to identify a different and better life experience. When we imagine this, we feel peaceful and inspired. To rise up to meet this version of our lives, we must overcome our resistance and discomfort. It is essential that you learn to take action before you feel like doing it.

Taking action builds momentum and creates motivation. These feelings will not come to you spontaneously; you have to generate them. You have to inspire yourself, you have to move. You have to simply begin and allow your life and your energy to reorient itself to prefer the behaviors that are going to move your life forward, not the ones that are keeping you held back. It is also about better understanding what our inherent needs are, what we really desire, and how we can use this as a pivot point to begin building a life that is aligned with who we really are and what we are here to do.

Our triggers do not actually exist just to show us where we are storing unresolved pain. In fact, they show us something much deeper. Unable to honor and use the guidance of the emotion, we shut the feeling down, store it in our bodies, and try to avoid anything that might bring it up again. This is when we become sensitive to the world around us, because there are a lot of repressed feelings mounting.

On the surface, it seems as though the thing that triggers our emotional response is the problem. It is not. When we can identify why something is triggering us, we can use the experience as a catalyst for a release and positive life change. Some of the emotions that are most strongly connected with self-sabotaging behaviors are actually important for us to better understand. It is mischaracterized by its shadow side, aggression, and therefore we try to resist it.

It is healthy to be angry, and anger can also show us important aspects of who we are and what we care about. For example, anger shows us where our boundaries are.

Anger also helps us identify what we find to be unjust. Ultimately, anger is trying to mobilize us, to initiate action. Anger is transformative, and it is often the peak state we reach before we truly change our lives. When we do not see it as such, we tend to bury it, not ever resolving the real issue at hand. This is when anger starts to cross over into aggression—when we take that energy out on those around us as opposed to using it as an impetus to change ourselves.

Instead of being afraid of anger, we can instead use it to help us see our limits and priorities more clearly. We can also use it to help us make big, important changes both for ourselves and the world around us. This is an emotion that often comes up in the aftermath of a disappointment.

This could be the loss of a relationship, a job, or just a general idea of what you thought your life would be. Sadness only becomes problematic when we do not allow ourselves to go through the natural phases of grief. Sadness does not release itself all at once. In fact, we often find that it happens in waves, some of which strike us at unexpected times.

We do not ever need to feel embarrassed or wrong for needing to cry, feel down, or miss what we no longer have. In fact, crying at appropriate times is one of the biggest signs of mental strength, as people who are struggling often find it difficult to release their feelings and be vulnerable. In fact, people who struggle the most with guilt are the people who are not actually guilty of something terrible.

People who commit heinous acts tend to not feel much remorse. However, guilt requires us to look deeply at what behaviors, if any, we feel badly about, as well as what we may have done that was not in our best interest.

If we have treated others unfairly, we must be able to admit, apologize, and correct that behavior. Guilt is often an emotion we carry from childhood and then project onto current circumstances when we felt as though we were burdens to those around us.

Other people can never make us feel as embarrassed as we make ourselves feel. When you are truly and completely confident that you are doing the best you can with what you have in front of you, you stop feeling embarrassed all the time. Sure, others can make you feel bad with their comments or ideas, but even their worst judgments tend to be neutralized when we accept ourselves and feel proud of who we are.

This is when the natural, occasional feeling of being embarrassed turns into a way for us to completely condemn ourselves as human beings and begin to see ourselves as worthless and invalid. When we do not process the feeling of embarrassment, it tends to turn into something far darker. It presents as anger or judgment, when in reality it is sadness and self-dissatisfaction.

If you want to know what you truly want out of life, look at the people who you are jealous of. No, you may not want exactly what they have, but the feeling that you are experiencing is anger that they are allowing themselves to pursue it while you are not. When we use our jealousy to show us what we would like to accomplish, we begin to recognize the self-sabotaging behavior and get ready to commit to what we actually desire. Resentment in some ways is like a projected regret.

Instead of trying to show us what we should change, it seems to want to tell us what other people should change. However, other people are under no obligation to live up to our ideas of them. In fact, our only problem is that we have an unrealistic expectation that someone was meant to be exactly as we think they should or love us exactly as we imagined they would.

When we are faced with resentment, what we instead must do is reinvent our image of those around us or those we have perceived as having wronged us. Other people are not here to love us perfectly; they are here to teach us lessons to show us how to love them—and ourselves—better. When we release the ideas we have about who they should be, we can see them for who they are and the role they are meant to play in our lives. Instead of focusing on how they should change, we can focus instead on what we can learn.

The truth is that most people regret what they did not do more than they ever regret what they did. It is trying to motivate us to live up to them going forward.

It is trying to show us what it is absolutely imperative to change in the future and what we really care about experiencing before we die. Regret is showing you that you should do it now. Regret is showing you that you should try harder. Regret is showing you that you should make different ones now. Regret is showing you that you should appreciate people now. Often, it is because our internal response systems are underdeveloped or sidelined by trauma. Regardless, chronic fearful thinking often comes back down to feeling the need to focus our energy and attention on a potential threat so we can protect ourselves from it.

We imagine that if we are worried, anxious, or angry about it, it will remain within our awareness and therefore cannot surprise us. We can retain some control over it. The very act of holding these fearful thoughts within our minds is exactly how the fear is controlling us in the first place. It is derailing our lives right now, because we are channeling our energy into something that is outside of our control, as opposed to using it for everything that is actually within our control—the habits, actions, and behaviors that would actually move our lives forward.

The only true way to get over chronic fear is actually to get through it. Instead of trying to battle, resist, and avoid what we cannot control, we can learn to simply shrug and say, and if that happens, it happens. What keeps the fire of fear raging is the idea that if we accept what we are afraid of, we are giving in to the worst potential outcome. The truth is that when we stop being afraid of what we cannot control and know instead that nothing can possibly ruin our lives more than we are ruining them with our negative, distracted, and irrational thinking and focus, we are completely freed.

When we are in full acceptance, fear leaves our consciousness and becomes a non-issue. It is at this point we realize that it always was. If you continue to not take action, the siren will only get louder, and if you never learn to listen to it, you will probably just disassociate from it and then be a victim to it.

You already have the answers. You are here to create everything that would make you happier than you can imagine. They are two opposite manifestations of the same wounds, which are mistrust and the inability to connect. Your need to feel validated is valid. Your need to feel the presence of another person is valid. Your need to feel wanted is valid. Often, the first reason we start neglecting our essential needs is because we think we are weak for having them.

We only believe this because when we were young we did have to rely almost entirely on others to meet our essential needs. Eventually, this fails us, because another person cannot fulfill us entirely, nor are they responsible for it. As we grow up, we learn self-sufficiency. In the same way, it is also important that we recognize we cannot meet every single one of our needs on our own. Human beings are hardwired for connection to others and to a group.

This is why we exist in subsets, like communities, and families, and generally feel happiest and most fulfilled when we are doing things that serve the greater good.

This is a fundamental and healthy part of who we are, and it is not a sign of weakness. In other cases, your need to feel financially secure is healthy; it is not always a product of you being greedy or ill-intentioned. Your need to be validated for the work that you do is healthy, and it is not always a product of you being vain.

Your need to live in a space and area that you enjoy being in is healthy, and it is not always a product of you being ungrateful for what you have. Not only can they tell us how and what we have been traumatized by, they can also show us what we really need. Embedded within each self-sabotaging behavior is actually the key to unlock it, if only we can understand it first. These are a few brief examples of how your subconscious mind might be trying to communicate with you through your behaviors.

Going back to the same person who broke you in a relationship. This could be a platonic friend but is most commonly a former romantic partner. KNOW: Attracting people who are too broken to commit in a real way. No outward accomplishment is going to give you a true and lasting sense of inner peace, and your discomfort, despite your accomplishments, is calling your attention to that. Alternatively, needing solitude too often usually means there is a discrepancy between who you pretend to be and who you actually are.

When you show up to your life more authentically, it becomes easier to have people around you, as it requires less effort. You must learn to steady yourself in clarity, truth, and groundedness, and to be able to mentally discern between what is helpful and what is not. You are being too extreme. This is why your body is requiring that you continue to fuel it.

Instead of trying to push through and continually hitting the same wall over and over again, take a step back. You do, however, have to stop running from the discomfort of being alone with your feelings, which is very often the reason that people overwork. There is a difference between being passionately committed to something and feeling obligated to outperform everyone else.

One is healthy; the other is not. The happier you are with something, the less you need other people to be. Instead of wondering whether or not someone else will think you are enough, stop and ask yourself: Is my life enough for me?

You will not be able to purchase your way into a new life or identity. If you are overspending or spending outside of your means on a regular basis to the point that it is detrimental to you, you need to look at what function buying or shopping serves.

Determine what your needs really are, and then go from there. KNOW: Dwelling on past relationships or continually checking up on exes.

The ending hurt you more than you acknowledged, and you need to process that. What we want is authentic connection and to feel important to others, but making them feel inferior is not the way to accomplish it. Having self-defeating thoughts that hold you back from doing what you want. Thinking the worst of yourself is a way of trying to numb yourself to what you really fear, which is that someone else could say those things about you.

Honestly, it could stop you from pursuing your dreams, ambitions, and personal happiness. KNOW: Not promoting your work in a way that would help move you forward. You have to create things you are proud to share, and when sharing them in a positive way that helps grow your business or career feels natural and authentic, you will know that you are doing the work that is at the best of your ability or potential.

They are busy thinking about themselves in the same way that you are thinking about yourself. Is this an issue of you being unable to move, or are you simply unwilling? The truth is that you are judging yourself, and you need to make peace or take pride in why you choose to live where you do. Mindlessly scrolling through social media as a way to pass the time. There is a world-altering difference between using social media in a healthy way versus as a coping mechanism.

You are in the situation you are in now because you did not know how to understand or meet your needs in the moment. This will be done by a process of building emotional intelligence, which will be primarily done in the next chapter. However, this is where we begin: by understanding how to listen to our instincts. It is this incredible skill that makes your instinct almost always correct.

Aside from only really being able to function in the present, your gut instinct is also quiet. It does not scream. It does not panic. It does not pump your body with adrenaline to get your attention. It is not angry. Your gut instinct functions to make things better, whereas your imagination can often make things worse. How do we know the difference? If the work that you do exhausts you and every bit of it is forced and undesirable, that is your instinct. You have to remember that your feelings, while valid, are not often real.

They are not always accurate reflections of reality. They are, however, always accurate reflections of our thoughts. Our thoughts change our feelings. Our thoughts do not change our instincts. What you naturally gravitate toward or away from is your instinct.

When people talk about using their instincts to craft a life they love, this is what they mean: that they are obeying what their subtle intuition tells them they feel best doing. Sometimes, your instinct can move you toward your art, even if it makes you uncomfortable and resistant. This is when the concept becomes so problematic. Feelings do not inform you of the right decision to make. Right decisions create the right feelings.

Your feelings are not intended to guide you throughout life; that is what your mind is for. You begin experiencing feelings of peace and joy in your life when you condition yourself to take repeated daily actions that facilitate clarity, calmness, healthfulness, and purposefulness, not the other way around.

If you want to master your life, you have to learn to organize your feelings. By becoming aware of them, you can trace them back to the thought process that prompted them, and from there you can decide whether or not the idea is an actual threat or concern, or a fabrication of your reptilian mind just trying to keep you alive.

Remember: Your brain was built for nature. Your body was designed to survive in the wild. You have an animalistic form trying to navigate a highly civilized, modern world. Forgive yourself for having these impulses, and at the same time, understand that your choices are ultimately yours.

You can feel something and not act on it. Your gut is deeply connected to your mind. You can have a fear-based or memory response that you are projecting into the future, but you cannot instinctively know something about another person or a future event until it is in front of you.

When you know whether or not a job is right for you, it is only after having done it for a while. Your first reaction to something is very often the wisest reaction, because your body is using all of the subconscious information you have logged away to inform you about something before your brain has an opportunity to second-guess it.

You can use this to your advantage by staying in the moment and asking yourself what is true right here and right now. What is true when you are with another person, activity, or behavior? Does it differ from what you think and feel about it when you are just imagining it, making guesses about it, recalling details of it, or imagining what it will be like? Typically, those projections are fear, and your present reaction is your honest instinct.

If your gut wants you to know not to see someone or to stop engaging in a relationship or behavior, the impulse will be quiet. So easy to miss. So easy to shout over. They both function similarly—they are immediate, reactive, and offer some kind of previously unseen insight— and yet they function so completely differently in practice. Intruding thoughts are hectic and fear-inducing.

Intruding thoughts are irrational and often stem from aggrandizing a situation or jumping to the worst conclusion possible. They give you information that you need to make a better-informed decision. Intruding thoughts tend to be persistent and induce a feeling of panic. Invasive thoughts begin a whole spiral of ideas and fears, making it feel impossible to stop thinking about them.

It is what happens when you have an invasive thought. Aside from your own basic security, your needs are to be nourished, to sleep well, to live in a clean environment, to dress appropriately, and to allow yourself to feel what you feel without judgment or suppression.

Finding ways to meet these needs on your own is the foundation of overcoming self-sabotage. You are going to enjoy spending time in your home if your home is organized and meaningful to you. You are going to feel better about yourself each day if you take the time to put yourself together with care. These things are not little things; they are big things.

We are going to specifically focus on aspects of emotional intelligence that relate to self-sabotaging behaviors, though there is an incredible body of work on EI from experts around the world that is continually growing with time. People with high emotional intelligence are often able to better get along with different types of people, feel more contentment and satisfaction in their everyday lives, and consistently take time to process and express their authentic feelings.

Mostly, though, emotional intelligence is the ability to interpret the sensations that come up in your body and understand what they are trying to tell you about your life.

The root of self-sabotage is a lack of emotional intelligence, because without the ability to understand ourselves, we inevitably become lost. These are some of the most misunderstood aspects of our brains and bodies that inevitably leave us stuck. Relax into life. Let things be for a while. That is not what happens. Neurologically, when we get something we really want, we just start to want more.

New research in the nature of the chemical dopamine—which was previously believed to be the driving force behind desire, lust, and acquisition— proves that it is more complex than previously thought. Lieberman explains that experts who studied the hormone found that when an individual was introduced to something they highly desired, the dopamine surge would diminish after acquisition.

This is one of the many reasons that we deeply sabotage what we truly want. When we get it, we fear losing it so badly that we push it away from ourselves so as to not have to withstand the pain. For example: If we are absolutely certain that a romantic partner will help us stop being depressed, we are going to be extremely sensitive to rejection, because it makes us feel as though we will never get over depression. Of course, the obvious issue here is that dating is a process of trial and error.

You have to fail first to succeed. This is why we unconsciously vilify those who do have what we want. Instead of being inspired by their success, we doubt them. If we hold tightly to these beliefs for long enough, guess what will happen when we finally get that relationship we really want? Of course, we are going to doubt it and assume it will also fail.

When we are so scared that we are going to lose something, we tend to push it away from ourselves first as a means of self-preservation. You are going to resist it, feel guilty, perhaps overspend or disregard responsibilities. However, this is not how it works. It is difficult to acknowledge the ways in which we are so deeply inclined to self-validate, so we end up standing in our own way out of pride. Yes, your brain is predisposed to want greater things, and more of them.

But by understanding its processes and tendencies, you can override the programming and start governing your own life. Your subconscious mind is the gatekeeper of your comfort zone.

It is also the realm in which you can either habituate yourself to expect and routinely seek the actions that would build and reinforce the greatest success, happiness, wholeness, or healing of your life. What this teaches us is that when we are going through a healing or changing process in our lives, we have to allow our bodies to adjust to their new sense of normalcy.

This is also why we can get stuck in self-destructive habits and cycles. Even though they feel good, that does not mean they are good for us. We have to use our minds to practice discernment.

We have to use our supreme intelligence to decide where we want to go, who we want to be, and then we have to allow our bodies to adjust over time. We cannot live being governed by how we feel. Our emotions are temporary and not always reflective of reality.

The work that needs to happen happens effortlessly. Your personal transformation rips you from complacency, and you wake up to an entirely new existence. That moment will never come. Breakthroughs do not happen spontaneously. They are tipping points. Revelations occur when ideas that were sitting in the margins of your mind finally get enough attention to dominate your thoughts. A mind-blowing, singular breakthrough is not what changes your life. A microshift is. Breakthroughs are what happen after hours, days, and years of the same mundane, monotonous work.

But a mind-blowing, singular breakthrough is not what changes your life. As writer and media strategist Ryan Holiday has noted, epiphanies are not life-altering. Think of microshifts as tiny increments of change in your day-to-day life. A microshift is changing what you eat for one part of one meal just one time. This is because the outcomes of life are not governed by passion; they are governed by principle. You may not think what you did this morning was important, but it was.

You may not think that the little things add up, but they do. Making big, sweeping changes is not difficult because we are flawed, incompetent beings.

If you want to change your life, you need to make tiny, nearly undetectable decisions every hour of every day until those choices are habituated. If you want to spend less time on your phone, deny yourself the chance to check it one time today. If you want to eat healthier, drink half a cup of water today. If you want to sleep more, go to bed 10 minutes earlier tonight than you did last night.

If you want to read, read one page. If you want to meditate, do so for 30 seconds. Then keep doing those things. Do them every single day. All you need is to make one microshift at a time and then let the energy and momentum build. Is irrational fear at the core of the majority of your greatest stressors? What we fear most is what our minds identify as the least likely threat that we cannot control. So why do our minds need this, though?

To a point, absolutely. Like a rock that becomes a diamond under pressure or an immune system that strengthens after repeated exposure to germs, the mind requires stimulation in the form of a challenge.

If you deny and reject any kind of real challenge in your life, your brain will compensate by creating a problem to overcome. It will just be you battling you for the rest of your life. Shielding the mind from any adversity makes us more vulnerable to anxiety, panic, and chaos. It activates a part of you that is often latent. Part of the human narrative is wanting something to overcome.

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Mountain is you pdf free download	Remember that emotional health is not the experience of being perpetually calm and happy all of the time. Highly intelligent people have a psychological function others do not, which is the ability to infer. Ultimately, anger https://kbijsetupdownload.com/fit-after-50-download/3671-cho-ramaswamy-books-pdf-free-download.php trying to mobilize us, to initiate action. So why do our minds need this, though? The response, or lack thereof, is where we regain our power and reclaim our lives. From there, you can learn from your mistakes and over time get to the place where you really want to be. Click are here to create everything that would make you happier than you can imagine.
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To scale our mountains, we actually have to do the deep internal work of excavating trauma, building resilience, and adjusting how we show up for the climb. In the end, it is not the mountain we master, but ourselves Home The Mountain Is You.

Read Online. Summary This book is about self-sabotage. Your review Optional. Doehring Sina Kistner Michael G. In the end, it is not the mountain we master, but ourselves.

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